Press

“Ben SantaMaria‘s Really Want to Hurt Me shines through a number of fine plays theming LGBTQ coming-of-age in the 1980s: the bleakest time to grow up gay since the war. SantaMaria’s particular gift – emotional confusion. Ryan’s a compelling and winningly joyous actor by turns. He shimmers adolescence, simmers its furies, managing the transition of boyish innocence to dawning manhood with a flickering, boppy energy. More, he projects a flinch of vulnerability that twists in a moment to defiance and resilience.

This is one of those short plays that expands after seeing it. It’s hilarious and occasionally terrifying. And utterly authentic. Solidly located in the South-West, it’s a work crossing historical witness with sharp storytelling. A must-see. It’s pure storytelling.”

Rating: Highly Recommended Show

Fringe Review

“This play is absolutely brilliant. Ben SantaMaria, who also directs, has clearly written from the heart and this shows. And it obviously struck a few chords with many in the audience the day I saw it. From first teenage crush and first sexual experiences, this is a funny and painfully honest solo performance piece. Ben is lucky to have found a terrific young actor to bring his story and character to life. Ryan Price is cute as a button and totally believable going from a young shy teen to more confident lad over three years. And his inter-scene dancing is on the money. This is a terrific gay coming-of-age story that wears its massive heart on its sleeve. We can’t wait to see what Ben comes up with in the future. A sequel, perhaps? We’d love to know what happens next.”

★★★★★ Boyz

(August 2018 review for Edinburgh Fringe run)

“Ryan Price is truly electric as the cute gay boy trying to grow up. He is at once self-assured but weak-willed, defenceless against the daily school bullying, a mass of confused hormones. What Ryan catches perfectly is the intelligent, artistic and thoughtful teenager's emerging talent as an actor – based I’m guessing on writer/director Ben SantaMaria’s own life story. The incessant bullying violence, name calling and early signs of attraction to other boys is also displayed in high energy dancing where the boy escapes into the fantasy world of ‘80s pop culture. It’s a very believable, assured, subtle and loveable portrayal which Ryan offers, and as the show ends, he is still finding his way in life. You know what? He’s going to be OK.”

★★★★★ GScene

“Revisiting a show can sometimes throw up some surprises where you notice different nuances in the delivery of the piece. With Ben SantaMaria’s semi-autobiographical play, this is most certainly the case. Ryan Price is very impressive in his delivery of this monologue, showing an agility and ability – and also a superb singing voice – to tell the story of a boy growing up in Exeter and coming to terms with his own identity and sexual awakening. This is a lovely piece that deals with very real and modern day issues of school bullying, heartache, suicidal thoughts and the lack of self worth. But this is not a doom and gloom story. Really Want To Hurt Me has a thoughtful and happy ending with Ryan uttering a simple ‘see ya’ before it fades to black. This actor’s star is on the rise. A consummate performance fuelled by a very good script.”

★★★★★ Boyz

(November 2018 review for Theatre503 Best of the Fest run)

“Absolutely stunning – top class theatre. Honest and insightful. From the opening sequence when Ryan bounds onstage, I was hooked. Writing, directing and acting were on point. Excellent lighting and sound further enhanced the show. Not to be missed.”

★★★★★ Camilla Joyce for Phonic FM radio, Exeter

“Wow, this is powerful stuff. Covering a three year period, Really Want to Hurt Me manages to evoke so many emotions and thoughts that it could become overwhelming. Thankfully Ben, who also directs the piece, has written some lovely humorous portions to the narrative that manage to break the atmosphere, for example, the truly graphic and hilarious story of how the boy becomes vegetarian, every moment of which I could picture vividly in my mind.

In order for a monologue to be successful, it needs two things: a cracking script and a superb actor to deliver it, and Ryan Price fits the bill perfectly. There is a lovely wide-eyed innocence on his face when he first takes to the stage and – with his lovely Devon accent – haltingly tries to find a good starting point to tell his story. The delivery is very natural in sound and look and there are wonderful moments when the boy just dances away – to a superb number of 1980s songs – allowing himself the freedom to enjoy the music and be himself.

When monologues work, they really work. You, sitting in the audience, really do travel with the boy until he finishes his tale and heads off to his future, with the hopes and prayers of me and every other member of the audience going with him. Perhaps things haven’t moved on as much as we would like, which makes plays like Really Want to Hurt Me even more relevant and something that everyone should get the opportunity to see and experience.”

★★★★ London Theatre 1

“Price gives an understated and at times enchanting performance. Classic eighties musical interludes are juxtaposed by poignant solo dance moments. These tiny moments, bursts of feeling when the character escapes his own inner monologue, are highly visual and striking. Beautiful and at times painful, the writing gives an honest insight into a moment in time and the life of a young man dealing with something which he struggles to understand. Funny and uneasy in equal measure, this quietly beautiful show is one not to be missed.”

★★★★ The Reviews Hub

“It certainly has something special. It may simply be the writing, using humour and pathos in all the right places, but it’s more likely to be Price’s natural charisma and vulnerability that just makes us want to hug him and tell him it will all be alright. The pace of the piece works very well and Price manages to keep us in the palm of his hand. There are some wonderful moments of exploding angst and confusion, including a Footloose style ‘angry dance’. Price simply makes us believe in this world and this character. In a world where suicide rates in LGBTQ+ teens are alarmingly high, visibility is key and plays like this should be lauded for reaching out in an entertaining and touching way.”

★★★★ Stage Talk

“Beautifully understated and sensitively performed. Charting the lows – and eventual highs – of discovering that you’re ‘different from the norm’ in the mid-80s, this understated one-hander’s soundtrack and multitude of popular references will undoubtedly ensure queer-identifying Gen X audience members enjoy a vivid nostalgia trip. But the piece is impressive in its capacity to be both abundant in cultural specificity and yet universally relevant. 

To all intents and purposes, actor Ryan Price sensitively portrays a character, a struggle, a set of coping mechanisms and a lived experience that LGBT audience members of all ages, socioeconomic backgrounds and generations will relate to – and that allies will certainly be able to draw their own meaning from too. Last year of course, Stonewall’s school report substantiated the fears of many: that nearly half of all LGBT pupils still suffer from physical bullying, homophobic insults and low self-worth (if not self-harm and attempted suicide attempts). So whilst we may need to swap the Eurythmics out for Ariana, this protagonist is as much a mouthpiece for this new generation as any.
SantaMaria’s text is rich in humour, but richer still in (often uninhibited) truth. Even without the press release’s insight that the playwright also grew up in Exeter in the 80s, the writing paints too vivid and visceral an impression of its character’s experience for you to not assume it’s at least semi-autobiographical. Quiet references to the ‘new’ virus becoming associated with the community, mere hints of violence which you expect to be far more serious than the character is even able to admit to himself and a particularly sensitively handled scene on a bridge (not something which I’ve witnessed many playwrights handle well) contribute to an appropriately complex and troublesome landscape that our central character must navigate.

Really Want to Hurt Me presents a narrative with nuance, kind-heartedness and a captivatingly calm central performance. Paradoxically, you hope it’ll eventually be performed in a context where it won’t remotely relate to younger LGBT audiences. But for now, those (still) enduring the homophobia and violence prevalent in many school and domestic environments – plus anyone with a connection to someone who is or has – are likely to find the piece as touching, and quietly important, as it almost certainly is.”

★★★★ Arthur’s Seat

“Price delivers a stunning performance of a troubled young man who has a lot of questions about himself. As the play progresses, we see him start to accept his individuality, from proudly writing his favourite bands across his school bag to joining acting classes. However, there is an underlying darkness at all times. He has suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion, begins to attempt suicide but doesn’t follow through. It is harrowing because we see him at his best, throwing himself into his acting, repairing his relationship with his dad, finishing school and progressing through life – we see how much he has to live for! Ben SantaMaria brings to light this sad but poignant truth, that young people who may see themselves as outsiders can be driven to such dark ideas and acts. Longlisted for the Heretic Voices monologue prize, Really Want to Hurt Me is the type of play that covers real issues in an all-too-real world.”

★★★★ Spy in the Stalls

“Early, teenage, angst-riddled emotions are perfectly encapsulated in Ben SantaMaria’s play. We are taken on a journey covering the next three years; from highlights and comic moments to some of the darkest depths of his psyche. Every moment is entwined beautifully by the eighties backing track that becomes his strength, solace and salvation. Music reflecting his personality from his pop-picking days of Culture Club and Eurythmics, moving into his alternative later teens, with more moody, indie bands like The Smiths and Cocteau Twins. A charming Ryan Price holds the audience through every turn and performs with earnestness and feeling, delivering tender moments and witty quips expertly. SantaMaria uses the space with skill. It flips nicely from funny moments to heart-wrenching. Overall this play is pure honesty – plain and simple. It is packed to the brim with nostalgia and memories that will twang on your heart-strings.”

★★★★ LGBTQ Arts Review

“SantaMaria uses the music of the era to instantly transport the audience back to the decade of Smash Hits, Crispy Pancakes, Studio Line, Top Of The Pops and Charlie. If these references aren’t instantly recognisable then you would definitely have been in the minority during this sold-out performance, as the audience were clearly very willing passengers for the lighter side of this nostalgic trip back to the eighties. Intertwined with these references came the inevitable angst and uncertainty of a teenager both discovering and coming to terms with his sexuality, and as much as there was a lot of humour to be derived from the cultural touchstones SantaMaria draws upon, the more painful and equally ubiquitous memories of bullying, homophobia, identity confusion and the arrival of AIDS are all resurrected in equal measure.

This rollercoaster ride of teenage hormones, self-awareness and breaking away from the heteronormative influences he is surrounded by are all skilfully delivered by Ryan Price who more than impresses in the role, managing to keep the audience emotionally engaged from the very start. His delivery is engaging and made all the more personable by the intimacy of the theatre itself. I am sure I was not alone in clearly recognising my own younger self in Price’s character and more than once found myself wishing I could have reassured both that it does get better.

Whilst many coming of age stories have been told before, there is a warmth, honesty and heart to this play that makes it feel fresh and original, making as it does some astute observations, particularly around the teenager's inner anguish as he negotiates his own sexuality, finding himself being bullied for something he has yet to accept himself. “It’s like they all know something I don’t” he claims in the midst of his confusion.

As hinted by the play's title, music becomes the one constant that the character can lose himself in during moments of both strength and solace. The instantly recognisable hits of the aforementioned Culture Club, along with Tears For Fears, Eurythmics, Kajagoogoo and Kate Bush punctuate the action throughout the play and are often accompanied by moments of choreographed dance that, at their best, manage to effectively reveal as much about the character’s emotional state as the words he speaks. On the whole these physically expressed moments impressively enhanced rather than detracted from the narrative. Really Want To Hurt Me is a keenly observed and worthy documentation of what it was like to be a gay teenager in Britain in the mid eighties and showcases a writer and an actor excelling at their craft.”

★★★★ Jack the Lad Magazine

“Absorbing coming-of-age monologue with a great soundtrack. There are coming-of-age tales aplenty at the [Edinburgh] Fringe but this moving story from Ben SantaMaria captures the well of loneliness that a young man falls into as he come to terms with his sexual identity. SantaMaria doesn’t labour the nostalgia but the songs provide a rich counterpoint to our teenager’s life and fears. It’s not a straightforward monologue either as performer Ryan Price bursts into dance occasionally, his moves a form of release creating an unspoken connection to the soundtrack of his life. Evidently a deeply personal testimony, SantaMaria’s Really Want To Hurt Me owes much of its success to Price’s interpretation. The actor’s gentle West Country burr lends pathos to his journey but there is strength there too.”

The Stage

“Touching personal monologue. Ryan Price’s solo performance at the heart of the play is an evocative realisation of a young man by turns a dreamer – losing himself to dance while his Walkman pumps out Culture Club – and a troubled soul whose lack of self-worth is amplified by the witless disdain of others and the apparent dismissal of the friend with whom he had his first sexual encounter. He ponders suicide and eventually moves away from his small town to pursue drama. A piece that conjurs time, place and character with a very effective degree of empathy.”

The Scotsman

“Incredibly touching and heartfelt play. One of the things that really struck me about this play was how honest it felt. All the experiences we witness our beleaguered protagonist suffer through feel real and viscerally endured. SantaMaria’s script brings a conversational tone to our narrator's interactions with the audience, which makes the show feel almost like a confessional act between the protagonist and us, entrusting us with his secret loves and fears. This creates a sense of deep emotional empathy that roots us in his struggle, and we feel his pain at the slings and arrows he has to endure just for being himself. This is aided by an able performance from actor Ryan Price, who nails the unsure nervousness and vulnerability that is being a teenager, and whose performance hits just the right note of naturalism that made the show feel almost autobiographical.”

Broadway Baby

“Absorbing. Laced with fine detail of the time and coloured by a gentle wit which is delivered with great charm and sensitivity by Ryan Price. Each episode interspersed with carefully chosen snatches of iconic eighties tracks, as well as emotionally-charged choreographed sequences. The understated manner of the direction and performance makes the production deeply human, disarmingly honest and towards the end quietly moving as the schoolboy wrestles with the thought that though he’s been “waiting so long for the thinking to stop” he’s not sure if he’s “ready for the living”.”

Reviewsphere

“Very provocative and moving and a great central performance.”

Matthew Todd, author of Straight Jacket and Pride: The Story of the LGBT Equality Movement

“Funny, touching and beautifully showcases the talents of the charming Ryan Price.”

Sean Mathias, West End and Broadway director and playwright

Interview with Ben (Devon Live, 2021)

The Best LGBTQ+ Events in London this December (Evening Standard)

Interview with Ben (Voice magazine)

 Guest blog by Ben (Mr Carl Woodward website)

Interview with Ben (LGBTQ Arts Review)

Guest blog by Ben (Broadway World)

Interview with Ben: ‘I think we need to honour & keep revisiting LGBTQ history’ (My Theatre Mates)

Interview with Ben and Ryan: Homecomings, new horizons, toxic masculinity and 80s music (PRSD)

Interview with Ben (Art Scene in Wales)

Interview with Ben: Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This (Exeter Living, pages 20-21)

Article featuring RWTHM: How Much Progress Has Been Made on Teaching LGBT+ Issues in Schools? (School Report magazine)

“A beautifully choreographed tour through Derek's life and world.”

Neil Tennant (Pet Shop Boys)

“Thank you for the production, which was very fine indeed. You captured much of Derek's spirit in often thoughtful and surprising ways. He would have applauded.”

Tony Peake, Jarman’s former literary agent and author of Derek Jarman: A Biography

“A quirky, unusual theatrical biography of the late film-maker, artist, writer and gardener Derek Jarman which plays with each of the forms he worked in to hilarious, intriguing and eventually moving effect. 

One of the 5 Best Shows in London.”

Mark Shenton, BBC Radio London

“From Derek Jarman's boyhood in a family ruled by his father, who was serving in the RAF, to his emergence as a significant artist, out-and-proud homosexual and AIDS awareness campaigner, Jarman Garden, directed by Ben SantaMaria and Cass Fleming, takes us on a rollercoaster ride of sensations. Adrienne Quartly's eclectic sound design emphasises Jarman's Englishness, from a brass band playing “An English Country Garden” to a high-energy disco version of “Jerusalem” to the ecstatically soaring strings of Vaughan Williams. It's a sublime interdisciplinary sensual assault. The combination of live movement and giant video images of bright flowers bursting into bloom is gorgeous, and in its marrying of formality with exuberance is reminiscent of the work of that other acclaimed gay artist and Jarman's contemporary, the photographer Robert Mapplethorpe.”

The Times

“Given that Flaming Theatre were shortlisted for an award for innovation in theatre practices, it comes as little surprise that their approach to this Derek Jarman homage subverts dramatic convention in a way the filmmaker himself might have approved. On a decking stage that slowly peels away to reveal the shingle beach where the filmmaker, painter, activist and 'avant gardener' spent the final years before his death a decade ago, six actors relive key moments in his life. Language in the play is sparse, which means mime, song and loose elements of dance become primary narrative tools against a backdrop of video projection, forcing the audience to decipher these snapshots of a life lived through art and sexual awakening. But like most things that require work, the rewards, when you get them, feel well-earned. An intriguing portrait.”

Metro

“As the evening unfolds, a rich and layered portrait is gradually revealed. So too is the beach on which Jarman created his famous Dungeness garden: hidden away beneath wooden boards, the chunky pebbles are exposed, slat by slat. There's a wonderful moment when the actors drag their feet in unison backwards and forwards across the stones. If you close your eyes, you are on a beach at sunset. When you open them, the performers, with their hypnotic swaying, seem to be the waves personified. In keeping with Jarman's passion for the 'intercommunication' of art forms, Ben SantaMaria's company combine film, dance, song, physical theatre and a soundtrack that ranges from musical numbers to drum 'n' bass. And they inject humour in unexpected places - a family tea scene becomes an illustration of Jarman Senior's kleptomania, the cutlery smuggled down the front of his uniform. Just as swiftly, the tone switches again, and the old man dies standing up, the stolen items clattering from his clothes onto the ground. A garden full of many delights.”

Time Out

“A beautifully integrated performance, which uses music, projections, dance, non-verbal performance and a minimal text to take us through Jarman's life. Extraordinarily powerful images, touching minimalism. A celebration of Jarman's life: of his work, his love, his queerness and his Englishness. Presenting an elegy that skilfully mixes media and styles, this company have given Jarman an appropriate, posthumous birthday present.”

Rogues & Vagabonds

“A devised multi-media tribute to the life and work of Derek Jarman, Jarman Garden is both a reverent and irreverent homage, which he would have enjoyed.  A cast of six, four men and two women, spend ninety minutes reconstructing his biography with music, video, mime, voice-over, linking episodes from his life with a minimum of props and a wonderfully evocative set of his final home, his small weather board house and famous garden in Dungeness, Kent.

Finely reconstructed with a beauty of its own, the company artistically and sensitively peel back layers of Jarman’s life at the same time as they lift squares of wooden decking to reveal, gradually, Jarman’s shingle garden with its unusual plants.  A model of his house stands in the corner: a doll’s house wired up with light.  “It’s a lot smaller than I expected”, someone says, which elicits a laugh from us.  It was small, modest, but his needs weren’t great.  The light dims, a naked man turns in the final spotlight.  Darkness, but the joyful exuberance for life remains.

Derek Jarman is honoured by this loving, also clever, imagining of his extraordinary, non-judgmental life.  He left enough material for Flaming Theatre to extract, collate and make into a collage.  Lots of research, and a consummately determined coming together of the creative team.”

Arts Council England report on the production

Interview with Ben: Sex and the shingle man (The Independent)

Interview with Ben: Tribute to Jarman (Metro)

“Full Disclosure Theatre last presented Xposed back in November 2017 and it was a triumph of a showcase.  Barely four months later and the event returned to London with eight new short plays portraying an LGBTQ+ narrative.  This time, though, Xposed was bigger, taking over the Southwark Playhouse’s Large, and selling out!

In Need by Ben SantaMaria sees two characters from different sides of the street come together in a touching and funny portrayal of class differences, wonderfully brought to life by Hannah Lawrence and Georgia Taylforth.

To see eight new plays with such urgent themes brought so professionally and passionately to life is a complete joy for a lover of new writing. So much more than a scratch night, Xposed is a fantastic exhibition of what the theatre can offer, and I cannot wait to see what the next one has in store.”

★★★★★ Theatre Weekly

“In time for LGBT+ History Month, Full Disclosure Theatre has brought a new selection of LGBT+ themed short plays to the Southwark Playhouse under the title Xposed.

Both actors were really good in their roles and there were definitely moments both of hilarity and shock which kept the audience interested in the story.

Eight amazingly different LGBT+ stories written by some great playwrights and brought to life by a very talented team of directors and actors. Full Disclosure Theatre should definitely be applauded for bringing together this wonderful evening and showcasing just how fabulously diverse the LGBT+ umbrella can be in modern theatre.”

★★★★ London Theatre 1

“Full Disclosure Theatre do not disappoint with a humerous and heartfelt night of new writing. A triumphant and titillating array of stories left the audience laughing and crying in Xposed, showcasing eight short plays that aimed to reveal “the naked and entertaining truths about queer life”. They did just that. The collection navigated the various intricacies of the queer experience, with representation spanning the breadth of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. The Southwark Playhouse was a hubbub of queer music and laughter, with a palpable air of inclusivity.

In Need showed a great deal of promise. It beautifully built up a curious domestic drama between a woman who had just been assaulted by her husband and a woman (who happens to be a lesbian) who offers her shelter. The piece boasted fantastic performances from the actresses, who created deeply human characters and capitalised on every opportunity for comedy with subtly and elegance. An intricate study of contrasting humans.”

★★★★ Arthur’s Seat

“A distinguished collection, enthusiastically received by a capacity audience. Great performances.

In Need by Ben SantaMaria is a two-hander in which two women meet when one seeks refuge in the other’s house after being assaulted. It’s a good drama with some interesting twists.”

Everything Theatre

“It’s hard to believe that six months have passed since 49 people were killed and 53 were wounded in a terrorist attack and hate crime inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, in the United States. To mark the occasion, Chaskis Theatre Company performed a poignant show, After Orlando, at The Vaults. The show was written as a response to the attacks and was comprised of a series of short pieces that were specifically curated by emerging and established international voices in theatre, including Neil Labute, Winter Miller and Anders Lustgarten. As well as raising awareness and discussing the events of that one devastating night, all the profit from ticket sales and donations went to Stonewall.

The show featured actress Maddy Hill, who is best known for her role as Nancy Carter in the EastEnders, and wanted to get involved due to her belief that the theatre is a strong platform to bring together previously unheard voices to share their grief, anger and hope, whilst also raising awareness about issues surrounding hate crimes.

Another standout performer was Janet Kumah, who reduced many audience members to tears with her short piece called Gone Silent, written by Jennifer Maisel and directed by Ben SantaMaria. She sat on a chair and relived a phone conversation between a mother and son that followed the last moments of his life after he was shot. He rang to tell her he was okay, even though he was dying and she begged him to not hang up and leave her.

Despite the fact there wasn't a set or any props, the actors managed to spark our imagination and as they were telling their stories, it felt like we were actually seeing the scene being played out in front of our eyes.

It was a powerful show that reminded the audience that even though the lives of so many were cut short so quickly, their dreams, personalities and determination to live as their true selves, will never be forgotten.”

★★★★★ East London & West Essex Guardian

“Relatable, emotional, inspiring. A compelling and deeply moving collection. It is critical, now more than ever, that art functions as a response to real-world events and for this I commend directors Hanna Berrigan and Ben SantaMaria, and their partnership with London-based theatre company Chaskis.

Chronicling the tragedy of the Pulse Club Night shooting through the eyes of victims, those they left behind, survivors, the LGBT community and even the media, After Orlando's subject matter is still a fresh wound, but it is handled with subtlety and grace. Upon reflection, its political significance is undeniable, yet during the show I was immediately enthralled by very real and expertly crafted characterisations of everyday people. An emphasis on the human element is what makes this tender tribute shine, retaining integrity without obviously brandishing a political agenda.

The plays are short and to the point, some are abstract and most take the form of monologues or duologues, but each succinctly conveys its message, sometimes heartrendingly so. A stripped back, simple staging only serves to strengthen this, as well as shine a light on the Chaskis actors' mesmeric performances. Each performer takes on varying roles, morphing from villain to victim within minutes and although faced with time constraints, they manage to impart incredibly nuanced and emotive portrayals. 

While there were a few pieces that struck a chord of profound and often poetic sadness, there were also unexpected moments of lightheartedness and laughter, bringing balance to the collection as a whole. Although my eyes were opened to completely relatable lives marred by tragedy and forgotten in the bedlam of sensationalism and empty statistics, I did not leave the theatre with a heavy heart, but with hope.”

★★★★ London Theatreland

“Exhilarating performances. Scores genuine coups.”

Time Out

“SantaMaria’s use of lighting, costumes and space will make you forget you’re in a small understated theatre, bringing you closer to the characters and the plot. The staging brings focus to the interesting dynamics between the characters.”

Theatre Weekly